'arent you sick and tired of the demons in your life,
the waves that send your sandcastles down? ...'
I just can't get any sleep .. feel so restless lately... maybe even a little defeated. I'm sick and tired of alot of things in my life, how did life get so busy that ive stopped really living it? ..
Train ride after train ride, work shift after work shift, program after program ... maybe in my own warped way, i'm crying out for help ...
I was having lunch with a mate today and we started talking about fake fronts that leaders put up to execute their own personal yet twisted definition of leadership... in many ways we talked about me ..
As crazy as it seems, I wish i could live up to who everyone thinks I am, maybe even come close to the person I want me to be ... the truth is I can't.. i've cried too many times and have tried too many things and I can't ... and it's a struggle that I wish i could blog and say i've overcome ...
I feel like im in over my head most times, if not always ... right now is one of those times, maybe i'm not really cut out for all this ... and man how i've tried ... the irony is killing me, almost 5 years of investing life in a ministry made for people and not a soul in the world to pour out to... have i dug my own pit? ... i'm not going to pretend i have it altogether now, i can't ... not when my whole world seems to be falling apart ...
On Kurt Cobain's last letter he wrote something I found pretty interesting:
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough...)
...
This part really hits me :
The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun ...
I can't fake being alright ... but with whatever strength i've got i'll try to - just to model tact.
But deep inside there's awful pain i'm feeling, God I wonder when it will end.
I need You Lord more than words can explain.
Send anything, anyone.
I can't do it anymore.
