Somewhere out there. pt 3

in the last 6 days ive:

- slept underneath starry skies on top of the aegean sea
- rode a donkey down santorini peaks whilst the sunset
- danced til the sun rose
- shared music and life with random people
- made music in the company of new friends
- climbed up the hills of patmos, encountered Him at St. Johns Grotto
- had chills ran up his spine at Ephesus
- drank smoothies on the sundeck every hour
- shopped til i dropped in Kusadasi
- slept and slept some more and still woke tired
- made friends with the most beautiful of people
- has forgotten what home somewhat feels like
- lived, loved, cried and smiled on the Aquamarine

...

theres so much more to write ... but all i know is, ive made enough memories to last an entire life time ... seen things that have made me cry, witnessed things that have made my heart beat fast ...

i miss home...

God has been so good... holding me, protecting me, guiding me, loving me and guarding me as the pupil of His eye this whole entire time ..

who wouldve thought ive come this far? not just in the 'overseas' meaning ..

heres some new lyrics..

"no matter where I go,
my heart will be Your home,
You're still all I know,
You're still all I know ..."

...

i will remember the works of Your hand upon my life, my Friend, my God.

You have been the strength of my weak heart.

*tear*

hello sydney.

Somewhere out there. Pt 2

*sigh*

It was actually quite a sad feeling leaving the Contiki group, I cant believe how good of friends one can make in a span of 8 days.

Hugs all around.

So here I am, all out on my own again...

I wish I could blog longer but I'm scraping it for money now ... Ive realized one thing about travelling... I can't make a life out of it.

I use to have dreams about rocking it globally with my music (and what a life it would be!)...
but certainly not for me. The more and more I realize things about myself, the more and more I find out that I am the sort of person that can't live 'spontaneously' for too long. I need to be settled, I need structure.

I guess that's why Sydney, FCF, Family, YD is something i'll always kinda have to be near to, somewhere I can settle.

The other day on the coach back to the Hotel from Liverpool I got to spend time with Him and I reflected on things back home and the dreams that I use to have about ministry etc.

Got teary for a bit. But I remembered what He told me at the Pergamon museum, and I'm still very much optimistic for coming back. (which is a big thing considering at the beginning of this tour, I hated the thought of coming back)

I left the guys today and Karissa left me a small note on my book which I thought was like ... woah.

It left me almost speechless, considering I didnt have any time to discuss my faith with her.

She left me one simple bible reference,

Hey Will,

Here's my favorite verse:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. ^a]">[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Karissa

...


I know He's preparing my heart...

He has been the strength of it.

Somewhere out there ... Pt 1.

*sigh*

this will be a short post ..

Finally started my Contiki trip and am LOVING IT! have single handedly conquered London!! and went through all of York, Oxford, Windsor and trekked through Scotland..

Whilst the choir tour was more of a chase for knowing God more and being intimate with Him, I kind of feel that this Contiki tour is more of a God allowing you.. to know you.

Does that make sense? In the past few days I've been schooled in the studies of 'me'.
How I react to certain things, make decisions, my character etc.

and to be honest ... i'm finding it quite challenging.

It is INCREDIBLY hard to get some alone time on this contiki tour ... though I love the people here, I feel over the past 6 months i've developed into someone who desperately NEEDS solitude daily... and lately I havent been getting it.

I know its not impossible though... I think its just alot harder.

On a more positive note, I have met good people here. One guy named Paul who lives in Manhattan, NY is going to hook me up with a place to stay if i ever decide to go there.

I have made good friends with a group of 4:

Erica - 22 y.o mexican girl
Michelle - 35 y.o lady from Pennsylvania
Paul - 32 y.o dude from NY
Mike - 26 y.o dude from Idaho
Kareesa - 27 y.o lady from Chicago

...

Theyre pretty cool .. i'm one of the youngest in the group but everyones friends here. What I find interesting is that Kareesa actually recited the life of Saul for me whilst reading my tattoo:

"when you were small in your own eyes ..." 1 Sam 15:17

I cant help but feel that a time of reflection needs to be set to meditate upon that verse, especially after a total stranger recites the life of one from the bible who has impacted yours.

*selah*

I thought alot today about coming home ...

...

and im optimistic.

*smiles*

He has been the strength of my heart.

Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt.5

and so now I sit here in the British Airways executive lounge, waiting for a 6:55 flight to London...

Gosh, can't believe the choir tour is over. What a way to end my last year (hopefully) with the music department.
I can't really describe how I feel and what exactly is going on inside, all I can conclude from the whole trip is that He is so faithful.

I've said it so many times but it's true - He has been the strength of my heart.

*selah*

On the second last day of the tour we went on a 3 hour coach ride to Berlin from Leipzig. I didn't expect too much since the tour was winding down and well, nothing good supposedly happens at the end of a tour.

We were due to visit the Pergamon museum - Ive never heard of it.

It wasn't until they introduced the place to us on the coach that I started becoming really interested in seeing it.

We arrived and recieved the tour, and I learnt that one of the factors that made the Pergamon museum so unique and significant was that it contained monumental artefacts of the ancient world. Huge statues and architecture of several ancient cultures.

So we walked past the Turkey section and the Roman section and I was like yea this is cool! But it wasn't until we got to the Babylon section that I realized that God was trying to speak to me ...

and what I saw there absolutely floored me.

Our tour guide walked us through one of the main entrances to the ancient city of Babylon and showed us the inscriptions on the wall by King Nebuchadnezzer.

It suddenly hit me ... these ancient walls and massive entrance were the same buildings that the Israelites saw as they were taken captive ...

These were the walls they saw when Jerusalem fell, when there heart grew cold to God...

these walls and this gate were the very symbols of their captivity.

Could you imagine what they felt as they walked through those gates not knowing anymore whether they would see home? Not knowing if they'll ever be free.

*selah*

and so I sat down there and chills ran up my spine ... and I remembered parts of the Book of Jeremiah as he wrote to the captives in Babylon...

I cried there at the Berlin Pergamon Museum remembering Jeremiah 29:

After seventy years are completed at Babylon, I will visit you and perform My good word toward you, and cause you to return to this place. For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the LORD, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive...

...

Only those closest to me would know the significance of that verse...

On the ride home I closed my eyes and asked Him, what are You trying to tell me Lord?

I broke down on the back seat of the bus as He whispered,

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt ...

I'm bringing you back Will ... "

...

I wept for so long on the back of that bus...

and with a tender heart, I write this now at Frankfurt Airport feeling ready for the next part of my journey...

His love never quits, His faithfulness stretches to the skies ... He never fails.


*selah*

Still running hard. He has been the strength of my heart.

Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 4

and so we left Paris and headed for Germany.

On the train to Cologne, I grabbed my notebook, switched on my IPOD and tuned into Him. I started writing down what it's been like for me the last 6 months, and noted every single significant thing He has done for me.

I couldnt stop the tears from rolling down my cheek.

I was reminded of a few verses in Deuteronomy,

"And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not...
You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power ... "

I'll never forget all He's been to and done for me at the lowest point in my life.

There were so many times of wanting to give up but for the life of me - I couldn't. There was just too much at stake, something real, something of purpose.

And so I took a deep breath everyday, cried most nights, and held to Him - it was all I could really do...

and Love lifted me.

I recall something that Swindoll said about how when His children are in desert times He guards them as the pupil of His eye - I have felt His very presence guarding me every step of the way.

If it were possible, an interesting thought is maybe He is there for us more or holds us tighter when we're in a place or season in life that just seems too hard.

*selah*

and so we got off the train in Frankfurt, Germany.

( I need to be quick at this, we're getting ready to check out of our Hotel )

The most heart pounding and life changing parts of Germany were:

- The train ride to Cologne meditating and reflecting on His goodness and His faithfulness, i'm pretty sure Tim noticed me crying even with my aviators on.
-The performance at the Fusion Academy in Iserlohn. I couldn't believe the response I recieved from singing a song I wrote called 'This little boy'. One lady came up to me pulled out a notepad and recited the lyrics, I mean she actually wrote the lyrics down word for word as I sang. She then went on to say she was a journalist for a newspaper and planned on doing an article about the song. We blessed so many people that day and I was floored by what He could do even with the simplest of melodies. I was overwhelmed.
-Jamming in the little chapel in the Academy til the early morning
-Grabbing the guitar and worshipping in the Stair case in Frankfurt with Stocko and then breaking out in free worship
-The many zoning out periods on the back of the bus thinking about all He was doing and promises to do

and now finally in Heidelberg - where I got the most solitude time.

I remember yesterday walking the 30 min walk to the castle with nothing but my camera and Tozer's the Pursuit of God.
I sat down in front of the massive river and made a few observations, I noticed how the bridge seperated the mountains from the city.

It's as if it was the drawing line between nature and civilization and no matter how beautiful the architecture or the atmosphere of the city was - it was no match for the sheer beauty of the mountains.

I started to picture all the bridges i've tried to build to God - utterly failing.

Isn't it funny how fast intimacy can be lost with Him? Tozer once said, that there is a central shine in our hearts that only God can fill. We try to 'get closer to God' by our works, or our achievements even weirdly through our shortcomings but the only bridge that gets us closer to God is through Jesus.

Modelling Him, Knowing Him, Dying for Him.

So I sat there by the Necker river, and had a peace come over me. I'm tired of building bridges that continually keep falling - I want to know Him, to pursue Him til I only dwell in Him, til I find Him and invite Him at the very centre of my heart.

And so we had dinner before our performance and I started talking to Tiff, she noticed something about me that just literally left me speechless. We were having a talk about how someone needed to step up for the boys in the group, rally them and pray. She looked at me and said 'I don't understand why you haven't yet done it ... Wesley will be so blessed when you would allow God to use you in that way ...'

I looked at her and said, ' I haven't been in a position of authority for 6 months, and now that the position presents itself ... I feel so very lost. Almost crippled... '

I got up from the table, walked to the bathroom and noticed so many things happening on the inside...

Lord, something inside hurts... that talk affected me so much. It revealed to me how scared I am or might be to actually step up again. Please help, i've gotten so use to fading away in the background that I don't know how it is to be called out anymore ... I've never really felt this sort of feeling before Lord. I'm scared of what's coming for me, the transition out of ministry hurt so much, I don't know how to take the transition back in. Please help me to step up ... I know You've called me and Your promise still stands.
Take away the awful pain i'm feeling. Help me not to shun away from the call.

...

So at the performance, I grabbed my guitar during my solo and went into the crowd.

With all my heart I sang, 'It's worth it brothers, it's worth it friends, to know your Maker, to lose Your sin, did you know that You are dearly loved? ...'

I was crying during that performance knowing that in the middle of the crowd He was singing the song to me...

You're dearly loved Will ...

and so I finished the song with tears in my eyes and added 3 lines at the very end...

"I'll bring You more than a song,
I'l bring You more than a song,
It's all about You Jesus ..."

...

I'm running hard.

Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 3

I sit here yet again in front of this borrowed laptop with the Heidelberg mountain air filling my small dark hotel room - I guess chewie had a long day since there seems to be no rustling whatsoever.

Today was an amazing day, but that post will come up soon. I have yet to continue what happened after Seoul.

...

The 12 hour flight to Paris consisted of playing the Ukele and annoying the poor korean soul next to me who wanted nothing but quiet rest, watching Yes man as well as Toy Story and eating as many sandwhiches and cupped ramen as we could. After every single passenger on the plane was annoyed by our antics we finally landed in Neopolitan town.

Now let me just say, i've been to many a hotel in my life but never one that was positioned smack bang in the red light district of the city hmm wait - im pretty sure we had another town like this in munich 2 years ago *shrugz*.

We were only a few minutes walk from the Moulin Rouge and almost every store next to the Hotel had the word 'Sex' in front of it. In this dark, hedonistic, sex crazed spot in Paris, we decided to check in. Ironic, that a Christian group of 40 would be placed in the centre of it all eh?

I grabbed my room mate Jared and was blown away at the view from our rooftop terraces, I mustve taken abit under 500 photos in one day just shooting around at the beauty of the City and it's architecture.

Paris was something sort of magical, we hit up:

- La madeleine Cathedral ( performed in it too )
- Notre Dame Cathedral ( chilled out with the gargoyles and danced with the gypsies )
- The Lourve Museum ( Mona lisa, Winged Victory, Venus De Milo )
- The Eiffel Tower ( Didn't get to climb it, wanted to leave it for someone special, yes yes corny i know )
- Arc De Triumphe ( Took as many jumping shots as we could )
- Markets, Shopping Centres, Metros, Look outs, etc

Most of the time spent in Paris was spent in exploration mode - like a little kid who just wants to see everything I just really went wild. The photos on facebook should prove it.

There were moments that really just took my breath away, *smile* I guess i'm somewhat reminded of that quote from Hitch. "Life is not about the amount of breaths we take, but about the moments that take our breath away", and Paris did it for me.

The simple beauty of the sunset over the Seine, or the architecture of the Notre Dame cathedrals, the Eiffel tower lighting up over the back drop of a pink sky, the Arc De Triumphe with it's golden walls at sunset... but what I loved the most
was getting up early just to witness the sunrise from our rooftop.

I remember getting my guitar out and running to the 9th floor just to be able to worship Him.

and as the sun appeared over the Paris skyline, I felt there was hope. As nature's light touched every sinful sidewalk and every violated street in the area we were staying, I was assured of His presence in my life.

so I grabbed the guitar and sung with all my heart on the rooftop of the Carlton Hotel - and to be able to stand there at that place and time with nothing but a song He put in your heart in the lowest season of your life was nothing short of amazing.

Joy Unspeakable

When I think about Your mercy
And all You've been to me
My heart can not contain the praise inside

So with humble adoration
I've come to worship thee
Who am I that the Great I AM would care for such as I?

For Your loving kindness has been there each season
I'll never fathom Your grace

Then sings my soul
My all in all
You've been my Joy
Unspeakable
What else have I
to offer You

But all my heart
I'm seeking You

For there is hope in Christ alone
He won't fail
His will shall prevail

*selah*

Lord, I am but a dark city waiting for your light to illuminate me. Your faithfulness stands and I am utterly overwhelmed.
























I'll never fathom Your grace.

Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 2

It's almost 1am in this dark small hotel room, and I hear tim's hair rustling through the sheets as my fingers tap softly away at this keyboard, the bright lcd monitor is making my eyes heavier and heavier but alas the blog must go on.

Upon sitting here having D&Ms with chewbacca (tim), i've concluded that relationships make a man's world go round. Which is 100% true when you think about it. When one comes to the end of their life and stands before God it's not a question of what you've done that will grant you access into eternity, but rather who you know. (Jesus)

Relationships are vital. Period.

I remember leaving the airport with a group of about 7 of my closest friends, and though maybe I was abit numb to it all - thanks to fatigue, the flu and the hayfever. I went through customs thanking God for the friendships I can still say I have.

Regardless of what has happened with my relationships in the past 6 months, I believe God redeems everything which the enemy stole. In relation to friendships, God is my friend.

That is not to say that He is the only friend He wants me to have, but rather He wants me to trust Him with my friendships acknowledging Him as the very source of all relationships.

Someone once told me that the relationships that we fight for now will matter to us in the end, after these 4 weeks are up, I plan to do alot of fighting.

*selah*

So I boarded that plane for Seoul, and hoped for encounters with Him - the likes of which ive never seen.
I made a new friend straight away with my room mate Jared, a sign I took as God being the source of friendships.

Seoul consisted of:

-Pizza
-Market shopping
-Choir performance

It was very early on during this trip, that I realized that solitude will be essential in a group this big.
Sure it was fun taking the facebook photos, jumping photos, annoying the korean people, getting lost in the palace,
watching justin nearly get beaten by the samurai dude, and justin eating the worm but ...

I guess there were moments in seoul that I just had to take a walk away from the crowd just so I could think clearly or better yet to seek Him. I'll never forget what the special guest speaker back at home said,

"I spent two and a half hours everyday for two years trying to find God ... and do you know what?... I found Him..."

I have spent so much time whinging and complaining to God about this season that I'm in, and now that it's well somewhat finished I feel like I wasted a whole lot of it. I love that one line that the speaker said, "I found Him".

I don't ever want to stop 'looking' for Him.

*selah*

I thought alot about relationships during the 3 days in Seoul, mostly about the ones that I've lost, I was somewhat distracted I guess by this. I guess it's because I'm so use to being in control of a relationship...

"Lord, help me to trust you with my friendships. It hurts not knowing what to expect at times, but all my hope is in You. I will cast all my expectations on You. You will redeem, renew, restore and rebuild that which was taken. I'm banking all of it on You, my forever Friend."

Seoul is continuing to teach me about solitude, and how my heart yearns to meet God there.

To conclude my most favorite part of Seoul is rushing out in the rain to buy Shrimp Burgers with Jared.

Relationships are vital.

Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 1

I sit here in Room 114 of the Heidelberg Ibis Hotel listening to the sounds of the city as golden rays peep through my open window - marking the end of another amazing day.


Whilst the 40 of the other Choir members went out to dinner, I opted for the solitude. Over the past 6 months, I've found it to be quite essential for a healthy, happy and peaceful soul.

So here I am soaking up all that was, is and dare I say, could be.

"Oh God, its been an undescribable 6 months hasn't it? I look back to reflect but for a moment and find myself overwhelmed by Your grace and faithfulness upon one such as I - and so here I weep gently to myself. My God, You have been the strength of my heart..."

I can not blog about the 'is' of my reflections without first touching upon nostalgia.

Sure enough, yesterdays ghosts may be the very reason why i'm thousands upon thousands of miles away from home.

Home.

Defined as a goal, a place of origin and as a destination - of which I've been graced with a surreal opportunity to be absent from.

In the first 4 months of this year 'home' has been a place of:

- miserable failure
- broken dreams
- crippled relationships
- and depressive thoughts.

and yet, miraculously transitioned within the past 2 months to a reservoir of:

- unwavering hope
- unspeakable joy
- unfathomable grace
- and unconditional love.

I am a recipient of these four ...

and because of this, I feel I can face going back 'home' after this 40 day voyage.

"So many things uncertain, but I can continue living life after my failure ... with a head held high, because He lifts it for me. ( I dare not lift it myself after knowing how feeble I really am). Again I say Lord, You have been the strength of my heart ... I understand I didn't fall from Your grace, but rather amazingly ... plunged myself straight into it."

I ask myself sometimes, would I of learnt the lessons any other way if I didn't fall this hard?
To be honest, I have no clue.

Who am I to philosophize how the Creator grows His creation.

and so with a trembling yet optimistic heart, Lord help me to start ... exactly where I left off.

In Tozer's words " I come trembling, but I do come ..."

( To be cont. )

"I can go the distance."

soul searching ..

Will says: i don't wanna sound too deep or anythin ..
Will says: but i wana change so badly ..
Tim says: what kind of change?
Will says: remember you in europe? that kinda change
Tim says: heck yea man
Tim says: ive been wanting something like that too
Will says: it kinda sounds gay but i've been doing alot of soul searching
Tim says: heck no man
Tim says: penis searching is gay
Tim: soul searching is great
*will leaves conversation*

I feel i've gone through some of the worst parts already, and from here... i'm thinking things can only get better. I've rewritten countless posts time and time again to express what the last few months have done to me, but it hurt too much.

and though things have gotten somewhat better, thinking about days gone past ... kill.

So i thought i'd write down a list of some things I'v thought about during this time of soul searching,
some deep and some not so deep:

- most things in life aren't as secure as we thought they'd be
- it doesn't always pan out the way we want it to
- and we waste a heck of a lot of time wishing it did
- self-hate, self-loathing, self-pity kill hope fast
- the first step to dealing with great loss is to accept what's done is done
- the first step to healing is often forgiving
- the person we often have to learn to forgive is ourselves
- a mans mind can be his portable murderer
- bitterness is not an event, its a process
- trials not only reveal ones character, but ones friends
- true friends,are hard to find
- and even once true friends prove themselves to be only once true friends
- i'd like to believe that i still have true friends
- help and genuine encouragement can come from absolute strangers
- courage is not necessarily being brave when facing big things, but making a decision
to face small minute things til something is achieved
- dreams dont always have to die
- failing doesn't make you a failure - giving up does
- running away is the coward's answer to everything
- looking back too long on the past may do more than just hurt us
- we are not promised anything
- holding back the tears just means theres more to come out later
- smiling when every particle inside you says break down equates to courage
- it could also equate to masking oneself
- silence can seem so loud when wasting time
- the best days so far have been spent with Him, and only Him
- i'd still like to believe that greater things have yet to come
-

(to be cont.)

Small Enough

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

there were times when I was crying from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked You once or twice if You would part the sea again
but tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know You're gonna hold me if i start to cry

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now

there have been moments when I could not face goliath on my own
and how could I forget we've marched around our share of jerichos
but I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright

oh great god, be close enough to feel You now

all praise and all the honor be to the God of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history

but tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and I know You could leave writing on the wall thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping, like in solomon's sweet dreams
but I don't need the strength of samson or a chariot in the end
just want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head

oh great God, be small enough to hear me now

untitled ...

Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning...
breath in and out all day long...

Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to
get out of bed every morning and breath in and out...

and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it
great and perfect for a while...

'Dying star'

'arent you sick and tired of the demons in your life,
the waves that send your sandcastles down? ...'

I just can't get any sleep .. feel so restless lately... maybe even a little defeated. I'm sick and tired of alot of things in my life, how did life get so busy that ive stopped really living it? ..
Train ride after train ride, work shift after work shift, program after program ... maybe in my own warped way, i'm crying out for help ...

I was having lunch with a mate today and we started talking about fake fronts that leaders put up to execute their own personal yet twisted definition of leadership... in many ways we talked about me ..

As crazy as it seems, I wish i could live up to who everyone thinks I am, maybe even come close to the person I want me to be ... the truth is I can't.. i've cried too many times and have tried too many things and I can't ... and it's a struggle that I wish i could blog and say i've overcome ...

I feel like im in over my head most times, if not always ... right now is one of those times, maybe i'm not really cut out for all this ... and man how i've tried ... the irony is killing me, almost 5 years of investing life in a ministry made for people and not a soul in the world to pour out to... have i dug my own pit? ... i'm not going to pretend i have it altogether now, i can't ... not when my whole world seems to be falling apart ...

On Kurt Cobain's last letter he wrote something I found pretty interesting:

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough...)

...

This part really hits me :

The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun ...

I can't fake being alright ... but with whatever strength i've got i'll try to - just to model tact.
But deep inside there's awful pain i'm feeling, God I wonder when it will end.

I need You Lord more than words can explain.
Send anything, anyone.

I can't do it anymore.

God, China & Will. Pt. 2

'Maybe the young man will hold him and say, "life is not what you've heard ..."
'Maybe the boy will turn to him and say, "i guess you've never really lived ..."

You know what the hardest thing is right now? trying to rememeber everything that happened in China .. every little thing. *sigh*.. I could go on and recount all the guided tours and conversations with random people, but what I really wanna blog about are the moments that affected me. Places and people that met me at a soul level.

i guess after 4 months, i've finally 'unpacked'.

one of the first places we visited was the orphanage... and it's probably the most defining..

we visited the Bethel Orphange for the Blind located in the deep rural suburbs of Beijing, our coach had to stop at the end of the road because the track was too muddy

I remember walking down the track thinking to myself, 'I bet something life changing is going to happen here ...'

We got to the end of the track and i was expecting a really shabby place with broken down walls, leaking roofs and so forth,but when we got there the actual orphanage was pretty nice. We had to put these plastic bags over our shoes so we don't dirty the childrens play area, we sat down and the staff went to fetch the children...

When they came in, our hearts really started to just melt .. like oozy fresh baked cookies .. yeh just like that .. We started to sing them some songs and I remember just looking at one boy who did something that kept a smile on my face..

a soul smile..

Let me explain this in a way that would seem clear online.. *deep breath*

you see, we went into this room with the acoustics that would hit you in the face every time sound travelled, i mean this room was like LOUD.. literally loud! .. We started playing the drums, guitar and then singing, and whilst to the trained ear it sounded like world war 3, the kids themselves were loving it .. hysterical laughter, giggles, shouts, and screams ..

and then, he walked into my life...

a little blind chinese toddler.. i was playing the guitar as he bumped his way into everything just to get to me, and then he did it.. putting his little ear on my guitar to better recognize where the sound was coming from, after that he went on to the drums and put his ear on it, and then finally on the piano .. as the other kids played and were jumping around, i noticed a certain peace come upon this little boy every time he would put his ear and identify the source of sound.. as if it brought him an intrinsic satisfaction .. some fulfillment perhaps even soul-nourishment of just knowing that life was altogether as long as sound existed ..

"God, what are you trying to tell me ?", i asked Him as i felt my soul smile abit more .. i asked one of the staff if I could know his name, they smiled and responded, 'Li Lang Ahn'.. i liked it, but by the 100th time came to stare at him some more and smile .. i had decided to lovingly label him,

Mushu.

I worked up enough courage to finally ask his caretaker if I could hold him, and she said yes ... it also seemed like Mushu was getting restless with all the sound that was accumulating in the room i think he was aggravated trying to put his ear on everyone and anything.

And so I picked him up ... and held him.

Now, most people would know im not exactly the most affectionate, compassionate kinda guy when it comes to little kids (i don't know why - must be a guy thing ...) but something in this moment was different.. do i dare say, life changing.

And out of the blue, i don't know why .. but i started to hum ..anything really that came into mind.. and he did something that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

As I sang to him ...

"Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream .. Really do come true."

he put his ear on my lips ...

and i broke..

Now it may seem cheesy, but ill say it anyway .. it's as if time stopped.. and i held in my arms a part of me that had been missing for a very long time.. i knew what God was trying to say and as Mushu left his ear on my lips i closed my eyes .. and "dreamt of a better me ..."

In the worlds noisiest room, Mushu left his ear on my lips for what seemed like a good 5 mins ..
What touched me was the fact that he drew nearer to hear 'the source'.

What God spoke into my heart was clear and simple that day,

"this has got to be you Will. You got to have enough child like faith to come to me no matter the hinderance or distraction that will come your way. You got to enough childlike faith to keep your ear on my Word."

Selah.

and just like that i guess, Mushu left his mark - permanently.

If a picture says a thousand words then I guess this right here is my sistine chapel:

Mushu - Will de los Santos

theres a blind boy at the orphanage window
dying to see what he hears
theres a young man whose lived life with eyes closed
i wonder what would happen when they meet
maybe the young man will hold him
and say life is not what youve heard
maybe the boy will turn to him and say
i guess youve never really lived
so how do i move on and not be changed by you now?
so how do i move on and not be changed by you now?
so how do i move on and not be changed by You?


I can go on and mention many other things about China, the way the sun peers through the fog whilst hiking up the Great Wall or perhaps how the rain creates an eery effect whilst strolling down Tiananmen Square ... but i think i've mentioned the most defining moment in the China trip for me ..

funny isn't it: often times the heart of the matter is a matter of the heart ..

To conclude thats probably the reason as to why i was 'sent' there ... matters of the heart.

On one of the bustrips home, I remember a vision He whispered into my soul .. It was a picture of a small me .. (similiar to Mushu) .. but with his heart in his hands.. willing to give it to anything and anyone who was willing to take it..

Hmmm I guess that's another blog isn't it and God willing, maybe another song.

All in all, China was unbelievably lifechanging.

One of the questions I continue to ask God since then is,

'Lord, how do I move on and not be changed by You now? ...'

...

In retrospect, the answer was found within Mushu...

"To be changed, is to be close to the Maker's (Source's) heart."

I love that.

God, China & Will Pt.1

' there's a blind boy at the orphanage window,
dying to see what he hears,
there's a young man who's lived life with eyes closed,
I wonder what would happen when they meet ...

It's been two months since the last blog, I left for China June 27 2008, and I don't really know why I left it up to this long to start writing a blog about my experiences/encounters - I guess i'm the type of person that takes a while to 'unpack' in every aspect - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually .. hmmm probably in that order as well.

I recall not knowing what to feel during the drive to the airport, somehow God always gives me a door into a different land every year to learn something I may never possibly learn here, and that particular door was China. I'm not really sure sometimes if the door is an opportunity for escape or for growth - maybe sometimes it's both. God's good that way.We got to the Airport - met by a full blown entourage, 12 strong. I love YD, I really do - it's amazing how even a small thing like a trip to the airport or a farewell can manifest itself into a moment so defining. I checked in my luggage and dragged Sarah to hang out with the gang.

'you've been blessed with such awesome friends ...' - Sarah

I concur.

Mixed emotions really, as my flight number started to blink on the little terminal monitor. We ate and then came the time to see me off. Besides my birthdays, it was a day i recieved so many hugs, I lost count. I thanked God for friends, the whole concept of it. We walked towards the customs gate, like those scenes from movies ya know? .. I hugged all of them goodbye, some with tears, and even letters to read. It's funny how you can tell how much someone cares for you, when they're farewelling you.. (even if was just for a month)... and i looked back as I walked away, and thought to myself, the best part of this trip is gonna be ...

coming home to them.

After going through customs, it finally hit me that I had a whole month of adventures and lessons ahead of me. I caught up with the rest of the Music Department, and we grabbed a few guys and prayed for the trip. See in my heart, I just wanted to see God move but to be more specific .... in me. After a few hours, the time came to board and the rest was really up to Him.

Somehow, I always get the window seat, i thought to myself as the food came. Funny, it's like God's way of hinting, 'Will, there's something I want to show you ...' hmm come to think of it, i like that. Every cloud that passed and every star that beckoned brought me closer to a better me. Funny, how i always get the window seat.


The trip to Singapore and then Singapore to Beijing was spent :

- playing on my PSP
- trying to read my bible
- telling everyone to connect their seat phone
- calling everyone that connected their seat phone
- even if they were sitting next to me
- annoying the people who sat next to me

- succeeded

- walking around the plane trying to find something to do
- eating and watching movies.
- thinking .. and then repeating the whole process til eventually we landed in Beijing.

You know what it smelt/looked and felt like? .. The Philippines! The only obvious difference was the sound of the chinese language. Besides that, there seems to be no big difference. Touching down in Beijing felt like touching down in Manila.
We checked into our hotel, and straight away met the team we would share a big part of our lives within the duration of 14 days. We then proceeded to tour Beijing, in all it's glory ...

My heart and mind weren't ready for the emotional trips, nor the change that would follow suit.

To be cont.

' Prayer for a Friend ' ...

Lord, I lift my friend to You,
I've done all that I know to do, I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded her view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
I fear that I won't have the words that she needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You
'cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You
Lord, I lift my friend to You,
I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You.

Went to the library today to get some studying done, didn't get too much done really. I'm one of those people that need music or something going on to get me in the studying mood. I thought i'd play the above song today whilst attempting to do my music assignments. BAD IDEA! As soon as I heard the music playing, i was reminded of the many friends who struggle even now as i write, as i sat there in the computer lab of the library, my heart and prayers went out
to them all.

Through the past few weeks of prayer and fasting, alot of people have been impressed in my heart, some more than others, there are some days when i can sense the pain/loneliness/emptiness of those i pray for ... and it's left my heart both broken and made bigger. Last night at youth group, Glenn (Youth Pastor) spoke on the meaning of the gospels and gave a general overview of the names mentioned throughout the genealogies, the phrase that was most spot on,
was plainly, 'He knows your name...'

and as the message came to an end, Glenn asked the youth that needed prayer to rise and come to the front, where the leaders would come and pray for them ... His presence was heavy that night.

... as i held him in my arms, i sensed so much heaviness in the young boy's heart, so much burden for someone so young and so much lies put into his mind by the enemy.. i began to pray God's truth in his life tearing down any high places of lies and deceit built by the enemy, and right then and there he just started to sob .. loud weeping from a heart crying out just to be loved, to be genuinely, intimately, deeply and dearly loved .. his heart was crying out Jesus, and he was slowly realizing it ..

i guess it's true what Tommy Walker exhorted in the beginning of his song,

"we all just want to be known ... and there could be many in this room .. you could feel so alone, so unknown .. but God sent me here tonight to remind you, that He knows your name, and He'll never forget it ..."

...

My heart breaks for the young people here at Y.D, especially the ones who have such a great call of God upon their lives and lose sight of it because of the adversity they face in life ... or the ones who have just lost hope because of the hardships they have seen .. i see so much of me in the young boys that we serve here at our youth, and that's one of the main reasons that keep me there serving them, loving them and believing in them.. because God was able to see treasure in the broken, waste-filled parts of my life, and if He did it with me, He can do it with the ones who are struggling the most in Y.D .. i believe that.

there's a reason why i wrote this particular blog, with the particular title, song and lyrics ..

it's for the highschool 'Destiny Shaper's of Y.D ..the youth leaders, my partners, my colleagues, my friends... my family..

i've known, seen and heard of the things you have faced .. and i pray for you dear friend. i stand in the gap for your life, your ministry and your calling .. i don't know what else to say, but for some of you, i speak the plea of the apostle Paul,

'Brethren, I urge you therefore to live a life worthy of the calling you have recieved ..." - Ephesians 4:1

I pray for hope in your days, that the Son of righteousness will arise in your valley times with healing in His hands! .. I pray for you to know (yada) His love .. and i pray for strength in you to allow this love to envelop you.. Destiny Shapers,
i pray for an awakening in Jesus name, a sense of urgency to rise up in the wells of your heart as the battle for young
lives rages .. i pray the God of love, woo and tug at your heart pulling you back with His cords of loving kindness ..

I pray for a Jacob-encounter. An encounter that will leave your walk with Christ changed ... forever.

Lord, i lift my friends to You.

' what dreams may come ... '

We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who hope that their dreams will come true.

-Woodrow Wilson

Last night's worship time with Y.D was, nothing short of amazing. I can't even put it into words. The worship band and i were the first to arrive in the sanctuary on Friday and as soon as we got there we tested out the sound system and found out that the computer wasn't working, isn't it strange sometimes how fast panic can invade a person's heart? all sorts of thoughts went through my mind,

"how are the youth going to worship without the words on the screen?",
"oh man, it's gonna be harder to press into His presence"...

and even though i knew that worship went beyond the words on a screen, i started to doubt, and i guess looking back in hindsight over the past 24 hours, i can only say that here in the faithfulness of Christ - i blog.

we ran through our songs as everyone arrived, and as i started to praise Him, the doubt began to melt away, i was hungry for the glory of God to fall, in my fasting time i was reminded of the 'war' that we face as we lead young people into the throne room of God and i guess it all just started to fit into place right there . i mentioned it in my last post, but it's true, ALL that really matters is if 'your heart is right before God'. i was telling a friend before we got into worship that, physically i felt i was lacking - due to a viral infection brought by the winter chill, mentally i felt i was not prepared - due to the high stress involved in trying to fix the computer and running a band practice whilst trying to focus on what God wanted to say, but then i told her spiritually - "i'm more than ready and expectant", and that was all He needed.

It hit 7:15 and we had our last worship time as a band, gave the crew a short exhortation on the Glory of God, and as we closed off in prayer to prepare ourselves for worship, His presence filled the entire sanctuary and i knew right then and there, that no amount of technical difficulty was going to stop Him from moving.

I told Glenn (Youth Pastor) beforehand that i sensed that we were in some sort of a battle and God wanted to breakthrough in the lives of hurting highschoolers ...

and breakthrough He did.

'do you remember young people, when God gave you dreams?
when you dreamed to dance for His glory, sing or play music?
But you let them die because of all the garbage you faced in life?
Tonight, can we say NO to the enemy's lies?!
Can we say no more!
Because no matter how much you've stuffed it up,
HE'S NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!
HE'S NOT DONE WITH YOU!
the best is yet to come with Him!
GREATER THINGS HAVE YET TO COME!'

Knowing that most of our highschoolers come from alot of rough things at school and at home, and then seeing them cast it all aside for a touch from their God really broke me .. in a good way. it really really really, made my heart grow big even more for Y.D.

when you're in the trenches with the boys from cell group and you're hearing about how they just want to give up,
or even hearing stories from leaders who feel so alone or burnt out and then seeing the exact moment when they
make a concious decision to praise Him through their storms - i guess it kinda takes your breath away, and leaves
you in awe of His faithfulness, not only to individuals but to Y.D as a whole.

He really moved on Friday, and it went beyond all our expectations, if you're from 'Youth with a Destiny', and you're reading this, i pray for the dreams in your heart that have died because of disappointment/discouragement or because of the lies of the enemy to be raised, i pray for a spirit of resurrection/life into the things that have rotted away or have decayed because of various circumstances, i pray for a fresh new wind to be breathed in to the tired, run down parts of your soul, i pray for fire in your bones, Christ in your heart, and His purpose and destiny on your mind. i pray for so much more for you friend, so much more - in Jesus name. Amen.

*sigh*, He never fails. there is so much more to say, but apart from worship, everything else in life is going rather great. sure there are things that have been cut off, but i guess that's another thing i want to blog about .. relationships.. i found this quote rather relevant to the picture i have for this blog up above...

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are
never, ever the same." - Anonymous

Isn't it strange how sometimes you're close to people, and then suddenly you're not? i guess that's true for me .. i've gained and lost a few friends from Wesley .. i don't understand why, but maybe it's just the way it was suppose to pan out?.. i've met one person recently who's played such a huge role in the season set before me, and it feels like i've known this person since forever.. i'm saddened by the many friendships i've had that never really continued to grow, but i take comfort in the fact that God knows what kind of friends i need. friends that could 'kick my butt' when needed..

the bottom line is, i'm grateful for the few friends that have strived to be constantly there for me, i can count them with half a hand but still - i count them. i've found that there are friends who stay in your hearts through life, and leave more than footprints..

they stay and build sandcastles ..

thanks to you. you know who you guys are.

life is something kinda beautiful these days, Holy Ghost night was awesome tonight. i love the IBT crew, the little boys who ive seen grow to young men - i'm so proud to be called your 'kuya' and your cell group leader, the 'destiny shapers' specially the guy leaders - i stand tall in ministry because i stand beside men after God's heart.

oh Y.D .. *sigh* the possibilities.

.. what dreams may come.

In the light of Your glory.

' please shut my eyes, as the lights invade me ..'

My name is Will De los Santos, and these last few months have been the hardest i've had to face since turning 21 .. so much so, that in many ways it blinded me from many truths in life. i guess you can say i had lost the plot, and it's only really now i've had enough courage and humility to come to grips with what i've needed to do. since the begining of this year, the whole music scene for me has been quite the journey: starbucks, channel 7, opera house, rouse hill, the basement, magnolia bar, parliament house lawns, man the list goes on. and somewhere in the midst of all of that, i felt like one of the three little ducks that lost his way. isn't it funny how the sincerest of dreams can be the ones that seduce us away from the Dreamgiver?

many a time, i would be on stage and feel my soul slipping away with each vocal line, each photograph, each scream or shout from the audience not knowing how in the world to make it stop... and as the lights shone ever brighter on my once warm skin, i grew cold to the things of Him .. to quote the lyrics from a song entitled '21':

'can I come down now, from these broken castles?
the ones i've built with these two hands...'


It was 2 o'clock in the morning as we got on the cold stage in Calwell, Canberra almost 300km away from home. I didn't know why I said yes to even performing there. I guess because i knew it was a 'christian gig', i was hoping for something.. anything really. a word, a wake up call, heck someone to just knock some sense into my dulled down soul. we sang our first two songs .. and upon our third song, something was different .. i don't know what it was, i duno when exactly it happened .. but right then and there, all i wanted - was Jesus Christ.

we got off the stage to a more than appreciative crowd, and as i walked out of the hall, i was tagged by Mal Garvin (Founder/President of the Fusion Organization)...and i'll never forget what he said to me, "God says to you, He loves you, stop trying to fight with Him ..." ..

I didn't know what to say except a teary thank you.. i knew what God was trying to speak through Mal, it was as if there was a God shaped hole in my heart, that i've been trying to fill with my own selfish ambitions .. and it's left me wanting more and more of things that will never, ever quench me ..

we drove back home after a few hours, and on the passenger seat to sydney
- i dreamt of a better me.

i was determined to get to the heart of it all, which meant cutting off whatever was necessary to grasp the things of God, and to be intimate once again, with the only Person who's been constant throughout all my wanderings in life.

as i picked up David, my guitar that friday night, i held him in my hands and remembered all the times we led a young generation into the presence of God together... i was somewhat nervous at the fact that i hadn't led worship in so long, but i remembered the words of a good friend,

'all that really matters, is if your heart's right before God...'

7:40 hit, and we proceeded into worship, it was a different feeling from being on stage at rouse hill or canberra ...it felt like .. home. i'm reminded of some lines from one of my favorite movies:

"All of life is a coming home. Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers, all of us. All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home...as the poet Dante put it: In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path. Eventually I would find the right path, but in the most unlikely place."

i feel i could freeze frame this part of my life and attach the above lines as captions.. "eventually i would find the right path... and find the way home ..."

give me the guitar, give me my David, give me my bible ... let's worship. let's press in to the presence of God. let's wrestle for a touch, let's seek His face and His will. because at the end of the day, that's home for me. it might have taken alot of false dreams, or maybe taken 3 hours from home just to realize it, but that's always been the dream hasn't it? to touch lives, to bring Him fame - it was never about me. never.

and that's so real to me.. because that's all i have. i want to be a vessel for the living God. and though i stuff it up alot, i just want Jesus. i don't want no more false dreams, i don't want bad relationships, i want something lasting, i need something life changing.

and i'll never forget how it felt that last friday night ushering YD into the presence of God..

"there is breakthrough in this place in Jesus name, He can overcome tonight,
He can breakthrough tonight guys, C'mon! let's encounter Him..."

I stand in awe of a God who uses wretches like me, I lift my hands to a God who delivers day in and day out, who works in all seasons, in the heights and in the depths, who greets me with love each morning, who holds my world each sleepless night.. I fall before the presence of a God who woos me back each time i go off and play the harlot with false dreams and ambitions, whose love for me is unfailing.. whose plans for me provide for every single need i have ...

He's taken me through too much garbage, to sit still and do nothing.

I choose not to offer to Him, that which costs me nothing ..

My names Will De los Santos, i'm a worshipper of the Living God.