On the train to Cologne, I grabbed my notebook, switched on my IPOD and tuned into Him. I started writing down what it's been like for me the last 6 months, and noted every single significant thing He has done for me.
I couldnt stop the tears from rolling down my cheek.
I was reminded of a few verses in Deuteronomy,
"And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not...
You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power ... "
I'll never forget all He's been to and done for me at the lowest point in my life.
There were so many times of wanting to give up but for the life of me - I couldn't. There was just too much at stake, something real, something of purpose.
And so I took a deep breath everyday, cried most nights, and held to Him - it was all I could really do...
and Love lifted me.
I recall something that Swindoll said about how when His children are in desert times He guards them as the pupil of His eye - I have felt His very presence guarding me every step of the way.
If it were possible, an interesting thought is maybe He is there for us more or holds us tighter when we're in a place or season in life that just seems too hard.
*selah*
and so we got off the train in Frankfurt, Germany.
( I need to be quick at this, we're getting ready to check out of our Hotel )
The most heart pounding and life changing parts of Germany were:
- The train ride to Cologne meditating and reflecting on His goodness and His faithfulness, i'm pretty sure Tim noticed me crying even with my aviators on.
-The performance at the Fusion Academy in Iserlohn. I couldn't believe the response I recieved from singing a song I wrote called 'This little boy'. One lady came up to me pulled out a notepad and recited the lyrics, I mean she actually wrote the lyrics down word for word as I sang. She then went on to say she was a journalist for a newspaper and planned on doing an article about the song. We blessed so many people that day and I was floored by what He could do even with the simplest of melodies. I was overwhelmed.
-Jamming in the little chapel in the Academy til the early morning
-Grabbing the guitar and worshipping in the Stair case in Frankfurt with Stocko and then breaking out in free worship
-The many zoning out periods on the back of the bus thinking about all He was doing and promises to do
and now finally in Heidelberg - where I got the most solitude time.
I remember yesterday walking the 30 min walk to the castle with nothing but my camera and Tozer's the Pursuit of God.
I sat down in front of the massive river and made a few observations, I noticed how the bridge seperated the mountains from the city.
It's as if it was the drawing line between nature and civilization and no matter how beautiful the architecture or the atmosphere of the city was - it was no match for the sheer beauty of the mountains.
I started to picture all the bridges i've tried to build to God - utterly failing.
Isn't it funny how fast intimacy can be lost with Him? Tozer once said, that there is a central shine in our hearts that only God can fill. We try to 'get closer to God' by our works, or our achievements even weirdly through our shortcomings but the only bridge that gets us closer to God is through Jesus.
Modelling Him, Knowing Him, Dying for Him.
So I sat there by the Necker river, and had a peace come over me. I'm tired of building bridges that continually keep falling - I want to know Him, to pursue Him til I only dwell in Him, til I find Him and invite Him at the very centre of my heart.
And so we had dinner before our performance and I started talking to Tiff, she noticed something about me that just literally left me speechless. We were having a talk about how someone needed to step up for the boys in the group, rally them and pray. She looked at me and said 'I don't understand why you haven't yet done it ... Wesley will be so blessed when you would allow God to use you in that way ...'
I looked at her and said, ' I haven't been in a position of authority for 6 months, and now that the position presents itself ... I feel so very lost. Almost crippled... '
I got up from the table, walked to the bathroom and noticed so many things happening on the inside...
Lord, something inside hurts... that talk affected me so much. It revealed to me how scared I am or might be to actually step up again. Please help, i've gotten so use to fading away in the background that I don't know how it is to be called out anymore ... I've never really felt this sort of feeling before Lord. I'm scared of what's coming for me, the transition out of ministry hurt so much, I don't know how to take the transition back in. Please help me to step up ... I know You've called me and Your promise still stands.
Take away the awful pain i'm feeling. Help me not to shun away from the call.
...
So at the performance, I grabbed my guitar during my solo and went into the crowd.
With all my heart I sang, 'It's worth it brothers, it's worth it friends, to know your Maker, to lose Your sin, did you know that You are dearly loved? ...'
I was crying during that performance knowing that in the middle of the crowd He was singing the song to me...
You're dearly loved Will ...
and so I finished the song with tears in my eyes and added 3 lines at the very end...
"I'll bring You more than a song,
I'l bring You more than a song,
It's all about You Jesus ..."
...
I'm running hard.
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