Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 1

I sit here in Room 114 of the Heidelberg Ibis Hotel listening to the sounds of the city as golden rays peep through my open window - marking the end of another amazing day.


Whilst the 40 of the other Choir members went out to dinner, I opted for the solitude. Over the past 6 months, I've found it to be quite essential for a healthy, happy and peaceful soul.

So here I am soaking up all that was, is and dare I say, could be.

"Oh God, its been an undescribable 6 months hasn't it? I look back to reflect but for a moment and find myself overwhelmed by Your grace and faithfulness upon one such as I - and so here I weep gently to myself. My God, You have been the strength of my heart..."

I can not blog about the 'is' of my reflections without first touching upon nostalgia.

Sure enough, yesterdays ghosts may be the very reason why i'm thousands upon thousands of miles away from home.

Home.

Defined as a goal, a place of origin and as a destination - of which I've been graced with a surreal opportunity to be absent from.

In the first 4 months of this year 'home' has been a place of:

- miserable failure
- broken dreams
- crippled relationships
- and depressive thoughts.

and yet, miraculously transitioned within the past 2 months to a reservoir of:

- unwavering hope
- unspeakable joy
- unfathomable grace
- and unconditional love.

I am a recipient of these four ...

and because of this, I feel I can face going back 'home' after this 40 day voyage.

"So many things uncertain, but I can continue living life after my failure ... with a head held high, because He lifts it for me. ( I dare not lift it myself after knowing how feeble I really am). Again I say Lord, You have been the strength of my heart ... I understand I didn't fall from Your grace, but rather amazingly ... plunged myself straight into it."

I ask myself sometimes, would I of learnt the lessons any other way if I didn't fall this hard?
To be honest, I have no clue.

Who am I to philosophize how the Creator grows His creation.

and so with a trembling yet optimistic heart, Lord help me to start ... exactly where I left off.

In Tozer's words " I come trembling, but I do come ..."

( To be cont. )

"I can go the distance."

soul searching ..

Will says: i don't wanna sound too deep or anythin ..
Will says: but i wana change so badly ..
Tim says: what kind of change?
Will says: remember you in europe? that kinda change
Tim says: heck yea man
Tim says: ive been wanting something like that too
Will says: it kinda sounds gay but i've been doing alot of soul searching
Tim says: heck no man
Tim says: penis searching is gay
Tim: soul searching is great
*will leaves conversation*

I feel i've gone through some of the worst parts already, and from here... i'm thinking things can only get better. I've rewritten countless posts time and time again to express what the last few months have done to me, but it hurt too much.

and though things have gotten somewhat better, thinking about days gone past ... kill.

So i thought i'd write down a list of some things I'v thought about during this time of soul searching,
some deep and some not so deep:

- most things in life aren't as secure as we thought they'd be
- it doesn't always pan out the way we want it to
- and we waste a heck of a lot of time wishing it did
- self-hate, self-loathing, self-pity kill hope fast
- the first step to dealing with great loss is to accept what's done is done
- the first step to healing is often forgiving
- the person we often have to learn to forgive is ourselves
- a mans mind can be his portable murderer
- bitterness is not an event, its a process
- trials not only reveal ones character, but ones friends
- true friends,are hard to find
- and even once true friends prove themselves to be only once true friends
- i'd like to believe that i still have true friends
- help and genuine encouragement can come from absolute strangers
- courage is not necessarily being brave when facing big things, but making a decision
to face small minute things til something is achieved
- dreams dont always have to die
- failing doesn't make you a failure - giving up does
- running away is the coward's answer to everything
- looking back too long on the past may do more than just hurt us
- we are not promised anything
- holding back the tears just means theres more to come out later
- smiling when every particle inside you says break down equates to courage
- it could also equate to masking oneself
- silence can seem so loud when wasting time
- the best days so far have been spent with Him, and only Him
- i'd still like to believe that greater things have yet to come
-

(to be cont.)

Small Enough

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

there were times when I was crying from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked You once or twice if You would part the sea again
but tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know You're gonna hold me if i start to cry

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now

there have been moments when I could not face goliath on my own
and how could I forget we've marched around our share of jerichos
but I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright

oh great god, be close enough to feel You now

all praise and all the honor be to the God of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history

but tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and I know You could leave writing on the wall thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping, like in solomon's sweet dreams
but I don't need the strength of samson or a chariot in the end
just want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head

oh great God, be small enough to hear me now

untitled ...

Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning...
breath in and out all day long...

Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to
get out of bed every morning and breath in and out...

and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it
great and perfect for a while...

'Dying star'

'arent you sick and tired of the demons in your life,
the waves that send your sandcastles down? ...'

I just can't get any sleep .. feel so restless lately... maybe even a little defeated. I'm sick and tired of alot of things in my life, how did life get so busy that ive stopped really living it? ..
Train ride after train ride, work shift after work shift, program after program ... maybe in my own warped way, i'm crying out for help ...

I was having lunch with a mate today and we started talking about fake fronts that leaders put up to execute their own personal yet twisted definition of leadership... in many ways we talked about me ..

As crazy as it seems, I wish i could live up to who everyone thinks I am, maybe even come close to the person I want me to be ... the truth is I can't.. i've cried too many times and have tried too many things and I can't ... and it's a struggle that I wish i could blog and say i've overcome ...

I feel like im in over my head most times, if not always ... right now is one of those times, maybe i'm not really cut out for all this ... and man how i've tried ... the irony is killing me, almost 5 years of investing life in a ministry made for people and not a soul in the world to pour out to... have i dug my own pit? ... i'm not going to pretend i have it altogether now, i can't ... not when my whole world seems to be falling apart ...

On Kurt Cobain's last letter he wrote something I found pretty interesting:

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough...)

...

This part really hits me :

The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun ...

I can't fake being alright ... but with whatever strength i've got i'll try to - just to model tact.
But deep inside there's awful pain i'm feeling, God I wonder when it will end.

I need You Lord more than words can explain.
Send anything, anyone.

I can't do it anymore.

God, China & Will. Pt. 2

'Maybe the young man will hold him and say, "life is not what you've heard ..."
'Maybe the boy will turn to him and say, "i guess you've never really lived ..."

You know what the hardest thing is right now? trying to rememeber everything that happened in China .. every little thing. *sigh*.. I could go on and recount all the guided tours and conversations with random people, but what I really wanna blog about are the moments that affected me. Places and people that met me at a soul level.

i guess after 4 months, i've finally 'unpacked'.

one of the first places we visited was the orphanage... and it's probably the most defining..

we visited the Bethel Orphange for the Blind located in the deep rural suburbs of Beijing, our coach had to stop at the end of the road because the track was too muddy

I remember walking down the track thinking to myself, 'I bet something life changing is going to happen here ...'

We got to the end of the track and i was expecting a really shabby place with broken down walls, leaking roofs and so forth,but when we got there the actual orphanage was pretty nice. We had to put these plastic bags over our shoes so we don't dirty the childrens play area, we sat down and the staff went to fetch the children...

When they came in, our hearts really started to just melt .. like oozy fresh baked cookies .. yeh just like that .. We started to sing them some songs and I remember just looking at one boy who did something that kept a smile on my face..

a soul smile..

Let me explain this in a way that would seem clear online.. *deep breath*

you see, we went into this room with the acoustics that would hit you in the face every time sound travelled, i mean this room was like LOUD.. literally loud! .. We started playing the drums, guitar and then singing, and whilst to the trained ear it sounded like world war 3, the kids themselves were loving it .. hysterical laughter, giggles, shouts, and screams ..

and then, he walked into my life...

a little blind chinese toddler.. i was playing the guitar as he bumped his way into everything just to get to me, and then he did it.. putting his little ear on my guitar to better recognize where the sound was coming from, after that he went on to the drums and put his ear on it, and then finally on the piano .. as the other kids played and were jumping around, i noticed a certain peace come upon this little boy every time he would put his ear and identify the source of sound.. as if it brought him an intrinsic satisfaction .. some fulfillment perhaps even soul-nourishment of just knowing that life was altogether as long as sound existed ..

"God, what are you trying to tell me ?", i asked Him as i felt my soul smile abit more .. i asked one of the staff if I could know his name, they smiled and responded, 'Li Lang Ahn'.. i liked it, but by the 100th time came to stare at him some more and smile .. i had decided to lovingly label him,

Mushu.

I worked up enough courage to finally ask his caretaker if I could hold him, and she said yes ... it also seemed like Mushu was getting restless with all the sound that was accumulating in the room i think he was aggravated trying to put his ear on everyone and anything.

And so I picked him up ... and held him.

Now, most people would know im not exactly the most affectionate, compassionate kinda guy when it comes to little kids (i don't know why - must be a guy thing ...) but something in this moment was different.. do i dare say, life changing.

And out of the blue, i don't know why .. but i started to hum ..anything really that came into mind.. and he did something that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

As I sang to him ...

"Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream .. Really do come true."

he put his ear on my lips ...

and i broke..

Now it may seem cheesy, but ill say it anyway .. it's as if time stopped.. and i held in my arms a part of me that had been missing for a very long time.. i knew what God was trying to say and as Mushu left his ear on my lips i closed my eyes .. and "dreamt of a better me ..."

In the worlds noisiest room, Mushu left his ear on my lips for what seemed like a good 5 mins ..
What touched me was the fact that he drew nearer to hear 'the source'.

What God spoke into my heart was clear and simple that day,

"this has got to be you Will. You got to have enough child like faith to come to me no matter the hinderance or distraction that will come your way. You got to enough childlike faith to keep your ear on my Word."

Selah.

and just like that i guess, Mushu left his mark - permanently.

If a picture says a thousand words then I guess this right here is my sistine chapel:

Mushu - Will de los Santos

theres a blind boy at the orphanage window
dying to see what he hears
theres a young man whose lived life with eyes closed
i wonder what would happen when they meet
maybe the young man will hold him
and say life is not what youve heard
maybe the boy will turn to him and say
i guess youve never really lived
so how do i move on and not be changed by you now?
so how do i move on and not be changed by you now?
so how do i move on and not be changed by You?


I can go on and mention many other things about China, the way the sun peers through the fog whilst hiking up the Great Wall or perhaps how the rain creates an eery effect whilst strolling down Tiananmen Square ... but i think i've mentioned the most defining moment in the China trip for me ..

funny isn't it: often times the heart of the matter is a matter of the heart ..

To conclude thats probably the reason as to why i was 'sent' there ... matters of the heart.

On one of the bustrips home, I remember a vision He whispered into my soul .. It was a picture of a small me .. (similiar to Mushu) .. but with his heart in his hands.. willing to give it to anything and anyone who was willing to take it..

Hmmm I guess that's another blog isn't it and God willing, maybe another song.

All in all, China was unbelievably lifechanging.

One of the questions I continue to ask God since then is,

'Lord, how do I move on and not be changed by You now? ...'

...

In retrospect, the answer was found within Mushu...

"To be changed, is to be close to the Maker's (Source's) heart."

I love that.

God, China & Will Pt.1

' there's a blind boy at the orphanage window,
dying to see what he hears,
there's a young man who's lived life with eyes closed,
I wonder what would happen when they meet ...

It's been two months since the last blog, I left for China June 27 2008, and I don't really know why I left it up to this long to start writing a blog about my experiences/encounters - I guess i'm the type of person that takes a while to 'unpack' in every aspect - emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually .. hmmm probably in that order as well.

I recall not knowing what to feel during the drive to the airport, somehow God always gives me a door into a different land every year to learn something I may never possibly learn here, and that particular door was China. I'm not really sure sometimes if the door is an opportunity for escape or for growth - maybe sometimes it's both. God's good that way.We got to the Airport - met by a full blown entourage, 12 strong. I love YD, I really do - it's amazing how even a small thing like a trip to the airport or a farewell can manifest itself into a moment so defining. I checked in my luggage and dragged Sarah to hang out with the gang.

'you've been blessed with such awesome friends ...' - Sarah

I concur.

Mixed emotions really, as my flight number started to blink on the little terminal monitor. We ate and then came the time to see me off. Besides my birthdays, it was a day i recieved so many hugs, I lost count. I thanked God for friends, the whole concept of it. We walked towards the customs gate, like those scenes from movies ya know? .. I hugged all of them goodbye, some with tears, and even letters to read. It's funny how you can tell how much someone cares for you, when they're farewelling you.. (even if was just for a month)... and i looked back as I walked away, and thought to myself, the best part of this trip is gonna be ...

coming home to them.

After going through customs, it finally hit me that I had a whole month of adventures and lessons ahead of me. I caught up with the rest of the Music Department, and we grabbed a few guys and prayed for the trip. See in my heart, I just wanted to see God move but to be more specific .... in me. After a few hours, the time came to board and the rest was really up to Him.

Somehow, I always get the window seat, i thought to myself as the food came. Funny, it's like God's way of hinting, 'Will, there's something I want to show you ...' hmm come to think of it, i like that. Every cloud that passed and every star that beckoned brought me closer to a better me. Funny, how i always get the window seat.


The trip to Singapore and then Singapore to Beijing was spent :

- playing on my PSP
- trying to read my bible
- telling everyone to connect their seat phone
- calling everyone that connected their seat phone
- even if they were sitting next to me
- annoying the people who sat next to me

- succeeded

- walking around the plane trying to find something to do
- eating and watching movies.
- thinking .. and then repeating the whole process til eventually we landed in Beijing.

You know what it smelt/looked and felt like? .. The Philippines! The only obvious difference was the sound of the chinese language. Besides that, there seems to be no big difference. Touching down in Beijing felt like touching down in Manila.
We checked into our hotel, and straight away met the team we would share a big part of our lives within the duration of 14 days. We then proceeded to tour Beijing, in all it's glory ...

My heart and mind weren't ready for the emotional trips, nor the change that would follow suit.

To be cont.