Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 3

I sit here yet again in front of this borrowed laptop with the Heidelberg mountain air filling my small dark hotel room - I guess chewie had a long day since there seems to be no rustling whatsoever.

Today was an amazing day, but that post will come up soon. I have yet to continue what happened after Seoul.

...

The 12 hour flight to Paris consisted of playing the Ukele and annoying the poor korean soul next to me who wanted nothing but quiet rest, watching Yes man as well as Toy Story and eating as many sandwhiches and cupped ramen as we could. After every single passenger on the plane was annoyed by our antics we finally landed in Neopolitan town.

Now let me just say, i've been to many a hotel in my life but never one that was positioned smack bang in the red light district of the city hmm wait - im pretty sure we had another town like this in munich 2 years ago *shrugz*.

We were only a few minutes walk from the Moulin Rouge and almost every store next to the Hotel had the word 'Sex' in front of it. In this dark, hedonistic, sex crazed spot in Paris, we decided to check in. Ironic, that a Christian group of 40 would be placed in the centre of it all eh?

I grabbed my room mate Jared and was blown away at the view from our rooftop terraces, I mustve taken abit under 500 photos in one day just shooting around at the beauty of the City and it's architecture.

Paris was something sort of magical, we hit up:

- La madeleine Cathedral ( performed in it too )
- Notre Dame Cathedral ( chilled out with the gargoyles and danced with the gypsies )
- The Lourve Museum ( Mona lisa, Winged Victory, Venus De Milo )
- The Eiffel Tower ( Didn't get to climb it, wanted to leave it for someone special, yes yes corny i know )
- Arc De Triumphe ( Took as many jumping shots as we could )
- Markets, Shopping Centres, Metros, Look outs, etc

Most of the time spent in Paris was spent in exploration mode - like a little kid who just wants to see everything I just really went wild. The photos on facebook should prove it.

There were moments that really just took my breath away, *smile* I guess i'm somewhat reminded of that quote from Hitch. "Life is not about the amount of breaths we take, but about the moments that take our breath away", and Paris did it for me.

The simple beauty of the sunset over the Seine, or the architecture of the Notre Dame cathedrals, the Eiffel tower lighting up over the back drop of a pink sky, the Arc De Triumphe with it's golden walls at sunset... but what I loved the most
was getting up early just to witness the sunrise from our rooftop.

I remember getting my guitar out and running to the 9th floor just to be able to worship Him.

and as the sun appeared over the Paris skyline, I felt there was hope. As nature's light touched every sinful sidewalk and every violated street in the area we were staying, I was assured of His presence in my life.

so I grabbed the guitar and sung with all my heart on the rooftop of the Carlton Hotel - and to be able to stand there at that place and time with nothing but a song He put in your heart in the lowest season of your life was nothing short of amazing.

Joy Unspeakable

When I think about Your mercy
And all You've been to me
My heart can not contain the praise inside

So with humble adoration
I've come to worship thee
Who am I that the Great I AM would care for such as I?

For Your loving kindness has been there each season
I'll never fathom Your grace

Then sings my soul
My all in all
You've been my Joy
Unspeakable
What else have I
to offer You

But all my heart
I'm seeking You

For there is hope in Christ alone
He won't fail
His will shall prevail

*selah*

Lord, I am but a dark city waiting for your light to illuminate me. Your faithfulness stands and I am utterly overwhelmed.
























I'll never fathom Your grace.

Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 2

It's almost 1am in this dark small hotel room, and I hear tim's hair rustling through the sheets as my fingers tap softly away at this keyboard, the bright lcd monitor is making my eyes heavier and heavier but alas the blog must go on.

Upon sitting here having D&Ms with chewbacca (tim), i've concluded that relationships make a man's world go round. Which is 100% true when you think about it. When one comes to the end of their life and stands before God it's not a question of what you've done that will grant you access into eternity, but rather who you know. (Jesus)

Relationships are vital. Period.

I remember leaving the airport with a group of about 7 of my closest friends, and though maybe I was abit numb to it all - thanks to fatigue, the flu and the hayfever. I went through customs thanking God for the friendships I can still say I have.

Regardless of what has happened with my relationships in the past 6 months, I believe God redeems everything which the enemy stole. In relation to friendships, God is my friend.

That is not to say that He is the only friend He wants me to have, but rather He wants me to trust Him with my friendships acknowledging Him as the very source of all relationships.

Someone once told me that the relationships that we fight for now will matter to us in the end, after these 4 weeks are up, I plan to do alot of fighting.

*selah*

So I boarded that plane for Seoul, and hoped for encounters with Him - the likes of which ive never seen.
I made a new friend straight away with my room mate Jared, a sign I took as God being the source of friendships.

Seoul consisted of:

-Pizza
-Market shopping
-Choir performance

It was very early on during this trip, that I realized that solitude will be essential in a group this big.
Sure it was fun taking the facebook photos, jumping photos, annoying the korean people, getting lost in the palace,
watching justin nearly get beaten by the samurai dude, and justin eating the worm but ...

I guess there were moments in seoul that I just had to take a walk away from the crowd just so I could think clearly or better yet to seek Him. I'll never forget what the special guest speaker back at home said,

"I spent two and a half hours everyday for two years trying to find God ... and do you know what?... I found Him..."

I have spent so much time whinging and complaining to God about this season that I'm in, and now that it's well somewhat finished I feel like I wasted a whole lot of it. I love that one line that the speaker said, "I found Him".

I don't ever want to stop 'looking' for Him.

*selah*

I thought alot about relationships during the 3 days in Seoul, mostly about the ones that I've lost, I was somewhat distracted I guess by this. I guess it's because I'm so use to being in control of a relationship...

"Lord, help me to trust you with my friendships. It hurts not knowing what to expect at times, but all my hope is in You. I will cast all my expectations on You. You will redeem, renew, restore and rebuild that which was taken. I'm banking all of it on You, my forever Friend."

Seoul is continuing to teach me about solitude, and how my heart yearns to meet God there.

To conclude my most favorite part of Seoul is rushing out in the rain to buy Shrimp Burgers with Jared.

Relationships are vital.

Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 1

I sit here in Room 114 of the Heidelberg Ibis Hotel listening to the sounds of the city as golden rays peep through my open window - marking the end of another amazing day.


Whilst the 40 of the other Choir members went out to dinner, I opted for the solitude. Over the past 6 months, I've found it to be quite essential for a healthy, happy and peaceful soul.

So here I am soaking up all that was, is and dare I say, could be.

"Oh God, its been an undescribable 6 months hasn't it? I look back to reflect but for a moment and find myself overwhelmed by Your grace and faithfulness upon one such as I - and so here I weep gently to myself. My God, You have been the strength of my heart..."

I can not blog about the 'is' of my reflections without first touching upon nostalgia.

Sure enough, yesterdays ghosts may be the very reason why i'm thousands upon thousands of miles away from home.

Home.

Defined as a goal, a place of origin and as a destination - of which I've been graced with a surreal opportunity to be absent from.

In the first 4 months of this year 'home' has been a place of:

- miserable failure
- broken dreams
- crippled relationships
- and depressive thoughts.

and yet, miraculously transitioned within the past 2 months to a reservoir of:

- unwavering hope
- unspeakable joy
- unfathomable grace
- and unconditional love.

I am a recipient of these four ...

and because of this, I feel I can face going back 'home' after this 40 day voyage.

"So many things uncertain, but I can continue living life after my failure ... with a head held high, because He lifts it for me. ( I dare not lift it myself after knowing how feeble I really am). Again I say Lord, You have been the strength of my heart ... I understand I didn't fall from Your grace, but rather amazingly ... plunged myself straight into it."

I ask myself sometimes, would I of learnt the lessons any other way if I didn't fall this hard?
To be honest, I have no clue.

Who am I to philosophize how the Creator grows His creation.

and so with a trembling yet optimistic heart, Lord help me to start ... exactly where I left off.

In Tozer's words " I come trembling, but I do come ..."

( To be cont. )

"I can go the distance."

soul searching ..

Will says: i don't wanna sound too deep or anythin ..
Will says: but i wana change so badly ..
Tim says: what kind of change?
Will says: remember you in europe? that kinda change
Tim says: heck yea man
Tim says: ive been wanting something like that too
Will says: it kinda sounds gay but i've been doing alot of soul searching
Tim says: heck no man
Tim says: penis searching is gay
Tim: soul searching is great
*will leaves conversation*

I feel i've gone through some of the worst parts already, and from here... i'm thinking things can only get better. I've rewritten countless posts time and time again to express what the last few months have done to me, but it hurt too much.

and though things have gotten somewhat better, thinking about days gone past ... kill.

So i thought i'd write down a list of some things I'v thought about during this time of soul searching,
some deep and some not so deep:

- most things in life aren't as secure as we thought they'd be
- it doesn't always pan out the way we want it to
- and we waste a heck of a lot of time wishing it did
- self-hate, self-loathing, self-pity kill hope fast
- the first step to dealing with great loss is to accept what's done is done
- the first step to healing is often forgiving
- the person we often have to learn to forgive is ourselves
- a mans mind can be his portable murderer
- bitterness is not an event, its a process
- trials not only reveal ones character, but ones friends
- true friends,are hard to find
- and even once true friends prove themselves to be only once true friends
- i'd like to believe that i still have true friends
- help and genuine encouragement can come from absolute strangers
- courage is not necessarily being brave when facing big things, but making a decision
to face small minute things til something is achieved
- dreams dont always have to die
- failing doesn't make you a failure - giving up does
- running away is the coward's answer to everything
- looking back too long on the past may do more than just hurt us
- we are not promised anything
- holding back the tears just means theres more to come out later
- smiling when every particle inside you says break down equates to courage
- it could also equate to masking oneself
- silence can seem so loud when wasting time
- the best days so far have been spent with Him, and only Him
- i'd still like to believe that greater things have yet to come
-

(to be cont.)

Small Enough

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

there were times when I was crying from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked You once or twice if You would part the sea again
but tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know You're gonna hold me if i start to cry

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now

there have been moments when I could not face goliath on my own
and how could I forget we've marched around our share of jerichos
but I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright

oh great god, be close enough to feel You now

all praise and all the honor be to the God of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history

but tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and I know You could leave writing on the wall thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping, like in solomon's sweet dreams
but I don't need the strength of samson or a chariot in the end
just want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head

oh great God, be small enough to hear me now

untitled ...

Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning...
breath in and out all day long...

Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to
get out of bed every morning and breath in and out...

and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it
great and perfect for a while...

'Dying star'

'arent you sick and tired of the demons in your life,
the waves that send your sandcastles down? ...'

I just can't get any sleep .. feel so restless lately... maybe even a little defeated. I'm sick and tired of alot of things in my life, how did life get so busy that ive stopped really living it? ..
Train ride after train ride, work shift after work shift, program after program ... maybe in my own warped way, i'm crying out for help ...

I was having lunch with a mate today and we started talking about fake fronts that leaders put up to execute their own personal yet twisted definition of leadership... in many ways we talked about me ..

As crazy as it seems, I wish i could live up to who everyone thinks I am, maybe even come close to the person I want me to be ... the truth is I can't.. i've cried too many times and have tried too many things and I can't ... and it's a struggle that I wish i could blog and say i've overcome ...

I feel like im in over my head most times, if not always ... right now is one of those times, maybe i'm not really cut out for all this ... and man how i've tried ... the irony is killing me, almost 5 years of investing life in a ministry made for people and not a soul in the world to pour out to... have i dug my own pit? ... i'm not going to pretend i have it altogether now, i can't ... not when my whole world seems to be falling apart ...

On Kurt Cobain's last letter he wrote something I found pretty interesting:

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough...)

...

This part really hits me :

The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun ...

I can't fake being alright ... but with whatever strength i've got i'll try to - just to model tact.
But deep inside there's awful pain i'm feeling, God I wonder when it will end.

I need You Lord more than words can explain.
Send anything, anyone.

I can't do it anymore.