Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 4

and so we left Paris and headed for Germany.

On the train to Cologne, I grabbed my notebook, switched on my IPOD and tuned into Him. I started writing down what it's been like for me the last 6 months, and noted every single significant thing He has done for me.

I couldnt stop the tears from rolling down my cheek.

I was reminded of a few verses in Deuteronomy,

"And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not...
You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power ... "

I'll never forget all He's been to and done for me at the lowest point in my life.

There were so many times of wanting to give up but for the life of me - I couldn't. There was just too much at stake, something real, something of purpose.

And so I took a deep breath everyday, cried most nights, and held to Him - it was all I could really do...

and Love lifted me.

I recall something that Swindoll said about how when His children are in desert times He guards them as the pupil of His eye - I have felt His very presence guarding me every step of the way.

If it were possible, an interesting thought is maybe He is there for us more or holds us tighter when we're in a place or season in life that just seems too hard.

*selah*

and so we got off the train in Frankfurt, Germany.

( I need to be quick at this, we're getting ready to check out of our Hotel )

The most heart pounding and life changing parts of Germany were:

- The train ride to Cologne meditating and reflecting on His goodness and His faithfulness, i'm pretty sure Tim noticed me crying even with my aviators on.
-The performance at the Fusion Academy in Iserlohn. I couldn't believe the response I recieved from singing a song I wrote called 'This little boy'. One lady came up to me pulled out a notepad and recited the lyrics, I mean she actually wrote the lyrics down word for word as I sang. She then went on to say she was a journalist for a newspaper and planned on doing an article about the song. We blessed so many people that day and I was floored by what He could do even with the simplest of melodies. I was overwhelmed.
-Jamming in the little chapel in the Academy til the early morning
-Grabbing the guitar and worshipping in the Stair case in Frankfurt with Stocko and then breaking out in free worship
-The many zoning out periods on the back of the bus thinking about all He was doing and promises to do

and now finally in Heidelberg - where I got the most solitude time.

I remember yesterday walking the 30 min walk to the castle with nothing but my camera and Tozer's the Pursuit of God.
I sat down in front of the massive river and made a few observations, I noticed how the bridge seperated the mountains from the city.

It's as if it was the drawing line between nature and civilization and no matter how beautiful the architecture or the atmosphere of the city was - it was no match for the sheer beauty of the mountains.

I started to picture all the bridges i've tried to build to God - utterly failing.

Isn't it funny how fast intimacy can be lost with Him? Tozer once said, that there is a central shine in our hearts that only God can fill. We try to 'get closer to God' by our works, or our achievements even weirdly through our shortcomings but the only bridge that gets us closer to God is through Jesus.

Modelling Him, Knowing Him, Dying for Him.

So I sat there by the Necker river, and had a peace come over me. I'm tired of building bridges that continually keep falling - I want to know Him, to pursue Him til I only dwell in Him, til I find Him and invite Him at the very centre of my heart.

And so we had dinner before our performance and I started talking to Tiff, she noticed something about me that just literally left me speechless. We were having a talk about how someone needed to step up for the boys in the group, rally them and pray. She looked at me and said 'I don't understand why you haven't yet done it ... Wesley will be so blessed when you would allow God to use you in that way ...'

I looked at her and said, ' I haven't been in a position of authority for 6 months, and now that the position presents itself ... I feel so very lost. Almost crippled... '

I got up from the table, walked to the bathroom and noticed so many things happening on the inside...

Lord, something inside hurts... that talk affected me so much. It revealed to me how scared I am or might be to actually step up again. Please help, i've gotten so use to fading away in the background that I don't know how it is to be called out anymore ... I've never really felt this sort of feeling before Lord. I'm scared of what's coming for me, the transition out of ministry hurt so much, I don't know how to take the transition back in. Please help me to step up ... I know You've called me and Your promise still stands.
Take away the awful pain i'm feeling. Help me not to shun away from the call.

...

So at the performance, I grabbed my guitar during my solo and went into the crowd.

With all my heart I sang, 'It's worth it brothers, it's worth it friends, to know your Maker, to lose Your sin, did you know that You are dearly loved? ...'

I was crying during that performance knowing that in the middle of the crowd He was singing the song to me...

You're dearly loved Will ...

and so I finished the song with tears in my eyes and added 3 lines at the very end...

"I'll bring You more than a song,
I'l bring You more than a song,
It's all about You Jesus ..."

...

I'm running hard.

Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 3

I sit here yet again in front of this borrowed laptop with the Heidelberg mountain air filling my small dark hotel room - I guess chewie had a long day since there seems to be no rustling whatsoever.

Today was an amazing day, but that post will come up soon. I have yet to continue what happened after Seoul.

...

The 12 hour flight to Paris consisted of playing the Ukele and annoying the poor korean soul next to me who wanted nothing but quiet rest, watching Yes man as well as Toy Story and eating as many sandwhiches and cupped ramen as we could. After every single passenger on the plane was annoyed by our antics we finally landed in Neopolitan town.

Now let me just say, i've been to many a hotel in my life but never one that was positioned smack bang in the red light district of the city hmm wait - im pretty sure we had another town like this in munich 2 years ago *shrugz*.

We were only a few minutes walk from the Moulin Rouge and almost every store next to the Hotel had the word 'Sex' in front of it. In this dark, hedonistic, sex crazed spot in Paris, we decided to check in. Ironic, that a Christian group of 40 would be placed in the centre of it all eh?

I grabbed my room mate Jared and was blown away at the view from our rooftop terraces, I mustve taken abit under 500 photos in one day just shooting around at the beauty of the City and it's architecture.

Paris was something sort of magical, we hit up:

- La madeleine Cathedral ( performed in it too )
- Notre Dame Cathedral ( chilled out with the gargoyles and danced with the gypsies )
- The Lourve Museum ( Mona lisa, Winged Victory, Venus De Milo )
- The Eiffel Tower ( Didn't get to climb it, wanted to leave it for someone special, yes yes corny i know )
- Arc De Triumphe ( Took as many jumping shots as we could )
- Markets, Shopping Centres, Metros, Look outs, etc

Most of the time spent in Paris was spent in exploration mode - like a little kid who just wants to see everything I just really went wild. The photos on facebook should prove it.

There were moments that really just took my breath away, *smile* I guess i'm somewhat reminded of that quote from Hitch. "Life is not about the amount of breaths we take, but about the moments that take our breath away", and Paris did it for me.

The simple beauty of the sunset over the Seine, or the architecture of the Notre Dame cathedrals, the Eiffel tower lighting up over the back drop of a pink sky, the Arc De Triumphe with it's golden walls at sunset... but what I loved the most
was getting up early just to witness the sunrise from our rooftop.

I remember getting my guitar out and running to the 9th floor just to be able to worship Him.

and as the sun appeared over the Paris skyline, I felt there was hope. As nature's light touched every sinful sidewalk and every violated street in the area we were staying, I was assured of His presence in my life.

so I grabbed the guitar and sung with all my heart on the rooftop of the Carlton Hotel - and to be able to stand there at that place and time with nothing but a song He put in your heart in the lowest season of your life was nothing short of amazing.

Joy Unspeakable

When I think about Your mercy
And all You've been to me
My heart can not contain the praise inside

So with humble adoration
I've come to worship thee
Who am I that the Great I AM would care for such as I?

For Your loving kindness has been there each season
I'll never fathom Your grace

Then sings my soul
My all in all
You've been my Joy
Unspeakable
What else have I
to offer You

But all my heart
I'm seeking You

For there is hope in Christ alone
He won't fail
His will shall prevail

*selah*

Lord, I am but a dark city waiting for your light to illuminate me. Your faithfulness stands and I am utterly overwhelmed.
























I'll never fathom Your grace.

Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 2

It's almost 1am in this dark small hotel room, and I hear tim's hair rustling through the sheets as my fingers tap softly away at this keyboard, the bright lcd monitor is making my eyes heavier and heavier but alas the blog must go on.

Upon sitting here having D&Ms with chewbacca (tim), i've concluded that relationships make a man's world go round. Which is 100% true when you think about it. When one comes to the end of their life and stands before God it's not a question of what you've done that will grant you access into eternity, but rather who you know. (Jesus)

Relationships are vital. Period.

I remember leaving the airport with a group of about 7 of my closest friends, and though maybe I was abit numb to it all - thanks to fatigue, the flu and the hayfever. I went through customs thanking God for the friendships I can still say I have.

Regardless of what has happened with my relationships in the past 6 months, I believe God redeems everything which the enemy stole. In relation to friendships, God is my friend.

That is not to say that He is the only friend He wants me to have, but rather He wants me to trust Him with my friendships acknowledging Him as the very source of all relationships.

Someone once told me that the relationships that we fight for now will matter to us in the end, after these 4 weeks are up, I plan to do alot of fighting.

*selah*

So I boarded that plane for Seoul, and hoped for encounters with Him - the likes of which ive never seen.
I made a new friend straight away with my room mate Jared, a sign I took as God being the source of friendships.

Seoul consisted of:

-Pizza
-Market shopping
-Choir performance

It was very early on during this trip, that I realized that solitude will be essential in a group this big.
Sure it was fun taking the facebook photos, jumping photos, annoying the korean people, getting lost in the palace,
watching justin nearly get beaten by the samurai dude, and justin eating the worm but ...

I guess there were moments in seoul that I just had to take a walk away from the crowd just so I could think clearly or better yet to seek Him. I'll never forget what the special guest speaker back at home said,

"I spent two and a half hours everyday for two years trying to find God ... and do you know what?... I found Him..."

I have spent so much time whinging and complaining to God about this season that I'm in, and now that it's well somewhat finished I feel like I wasted a whole lot of it. I love that one line that the speaker said, "I found Him".

I don't ever want to stop 'looking' for Him.

*selah*

I thought alot about relationships during the 3 days in Seoul, mostly about the ones that I've lost, I was somewhat distracted I guess by this. I guess it's because I'm so use to being in control of a relationship...

"Lord, help me to trust you with my friendships. It hurts not knowing what to expect at times, but all my hope is in You. I will cast all my expectations on You. You will redeem, renew, restore and rebuild that which was taken. I'm banking all of it on You, my forever Friend."

Seoul is continuing to teach me about solitude, and how my heart yearns to meet God there.

To conclude my most favorite part of Seoul is rushing out in the rain to buy Shrimp Burgers with Jared.

Relationships are vital.

Memoirs of a Vagabond. Pt 1

I sit here in Room 114 of the Heidelberg Ibis Hotel listening to the sounds of the city as golden rays peep through my open window - marking the end of another amazing day.


Whilst the 40 of the other Choir members went out to dinner, I opted for the solitude. Over the past 6 months, I've found it to be quite essential for a healthy, happy and peaceful soul.

So here I am soaking up all that was, is and dare I say, could be.

"Oh God, its been an undescribable 6 months hasn't it? I look back to reflect but for a moment and find myself overwhelmed by Your grace and faithfulness upon one such as I - and so here I weep gently to myself. My God, You have been the strength of my heart..."

I can not blog about the 'is' of my reflections without first touching upon nostalgia.

Sure enough, yesterdays ghosts may be the very reason why i'm thousands upon thousands of miles away from home.

Home.

Defined as a goal, a place of origin and as a destination - of which I've been graced with a surreal opportunity to be absent from.

In the first 4 months of this year 'home' has been a place of:

- miserable failure
- broken dreams
- crippled relationships
- and depressive thoughts.

and yet, miraculously transitioned within the past 2 months to a reservoir of:

- unwavering hope
- unspeakable joy
- unfathomable grace
- and unconditional love.

I am a recipient of these four ...

and because of this, I feel I can face going back 'home' after this 40 day voyage.

"So many things uncertain, but I can continue living life after my failure ... with a head held high, because He lifts it for me. ( I dare not lift it myself after knowing how feeble I really am). Again I say Lord, You have been the strength of my heart ... I understand I didn't fall from Your grace, but rather amazingly ... plunged myself straight into it."

I ask myself sometimes, would I of learnt the lessons any other way if I didn't fall this hard?
To be honest, I have no clue.

Who am I to philosophize how the Creator grows His creation.

and so with a trembling yet optimistic heart, Lord help me to start ... exactly where I left off.

In Tozer's words " I come trembling, but I do come ..."

( To be cont. )

"I can go the distance."

soul searching ..

Will says: i don't wanna sound too deep or anythin ..
Will says: but i wana change so badly ..
Tim says: what kind of change?
Will says: remember you in europe? that kinda change
Tim says: heck yea man
Tim says: ive been wanting something like that too
Will says: it kinda sounds gay but i've been doing alot of soul searching
Tim says: heck no man
Tim says: penis searching is gay
Tim: soul searching is great
*will leaves conversation*

I feel i've gone through some of the worst parts already, and from here... i'm thinking things can only get better. I've rewritten countless posts time and time again to express what the last few months have done to me, but it hurt too much.

and though things have gotten somewhat better, thinking about days gone past ... kill.

So i thought i'd write down a list of some things I'v thought about during this time of soul searching,
some deep and some not so deep:

- most things in life aren't as secure as we thought they'd be
- it doesn't always pan out the way we want it to
- and we waste a heck of a lot of time wishing it did
- self-hate, self-loathing, self-pity kill hope fast
- the first step to dealing with great loss is to accept what's done is done
- the first step to healing is often forgiving
- the person we often have to learn to forgive is ourselves
- a mans mind can be his portable murderer
- bitterness is not an event, its a process
- trials not only reveal ones character, but ones friends
- true friends,are hard to find
- and even once true friends prove themselves to be only once true friends
- i'd like to believe that i still have true friends
- help and genuine encouragement can come from absolute strangers
- courage is not necessarily being brave when facing big things, but making a decision
to face small minute things til something is achieved
- dreams dont always have to die
- failing doesn't make you a failure - giving up does
- running away is the coward's answer to everything
- looking back too long on the past may do more than just hurt us
- we are not promised anything
- holding back the tears just means theres more to come out later
- smiling when every particle inside you says break down equates to courage
- it could also equate to masking oneself
- silence can seem so loud when wasting time
- the best days so far have been spent with Him, and only Him
- i'd still like to believe that greater things have yet to come
-

(to be cont.)

Small Enough

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now

there were times when I was crying from the dark of daniel's den
and i have asked You once or twice if You would part the sea again
but tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky
just wanna know You're gonna hold me if i start to cry

oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now
oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now

there have been moments when I could not face goliath on my own
and how could I forget we've marched around our share of jerichos
but I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright

oh great god, be close enough to feel You now

all praise and all the honor be to the God of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history

but tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"

and I know You could leave writing on the wall thats just for me
or send wisdom while i'm sleeping, like in solomon's sweet dreams
but I don't need the strength of samson or a chariot in the end
just want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head

oh great God, be small enough to hear me now

untitled ...

Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning...
breath in and out all day long...

Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to
get out of bed every morning and breath in and out...

and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it
great and perfect for a while...